RS/These streets are in your marrow

[thegentlemanthug]

After he pulls the man from the river, Ben feels uneasy in his mind, moreso than when he was first lucid after his beating. He had the opportunity to know his past, and he walked away. He is a coward as well as a friend to wretches.

He is returning from an errand in town for the dockmaster, his face apparently trustworthy despite his lack of memory, when he realises he has gone too far on the underground railway. He gets off at the wrong stop and means to return immediately to the right one, except that he knows this place. He knows it deeply and strongly, calling to him with a strong sense of who he is.

Either he can ignore it once more or he can follow it, step out from under this cowardice and learn something of who he is. And maybe he can find out the fate of that drowned man, learn something of him, know his pain and soothe it.

He lets his feet take him where they will, trying to follow his gut and not his better sense. He feels the familiarity in the streets, recognising a street sign there, a flower seller there, and his pace quickens as he draws towards somewhere he knows must be home.

The door calls to him and he runs to it, knocking hard on the wood before he can stop himself.

It opens on an older lady in an apron and, before she can speak, he tears his hat from his head and starts trying to explain himself.

"I'm sorry to disturb you, madam, but I had the strangest feeling I ought to come here today."

Comments

[thirstforvice]

Making sure that they do not leave the laudanum behind, Matthew holds it tight in his free hand, the other hanging over Bennet's shoulder. He is weak despite the reassurances of the doctor, a pronounced limp a new addition to his walk since the train derailment. It's all he can do to make it to the door, and the corridor to the main entrance seems as though its miles long.

[thegentlemanthug]

Bennet can feel his lover's pain in the tension in his body, but he gets the sense that Matthew won't say anything about it.

Wordlessly, he lifts him up into his arms, continuing their journey down the corridor - towards home.

[thirstforvice]

Matthew is too tired, and too relieved to finally be going home with Bennet, to complain about the indignity of being carried. Far worse indignities have been visited upon him within these four walls, after all. He accepts the hold and drops his head onto Bennet's shoulder, closing his eyes and breathing him in. Even without his memories, the smell and feel of his lover is a comfort.

[thegentlemanthug]

There is a cab waiting for them and Bennet wastes no time settling his lover inside, with Mrs Ramsay climbing up to take the seat opposite.

She reels off the address and Bennet is once more stumped. How can he have forgotten so much of this life?

[thirstforvice]

Matthew rests his head in Bennet's lap, positioning himself so can look up at the other man's face.

"This is a dream," he decides as they pull away, fingers feeling the seat, and Bennet's knee, to reassure himself that all of this is truly real. "I'll wake up back there in the morning."

[thegentlemanthug]

Bennet runs his fingers through Matthew's hair without even thinking about it.

"It's not a dream. It's more like...waking from a nightmare."

[thirstforvice]

"You'll both be your old selves again soon, I've no doubt," Mrs Ramsay tries to keep things cheerful.

"A bath for the both of you when we get home, and a good night's sleep in your own bed."

[thegentlemanthug]

Bennet's bed is in Limehouse, but he needs to forget that life now. He will send word in the morning, explain that he's found his old life and plans to shrug it back on like an old overcoat that doesn't quite fit anymore.

But the prospect of a hot bath and settling down with this man does sound more than attractive.

[thirstforvice]

Matthew feels exhausted, and would skip the bath to go straight to his bed, but he thinks the bath may help Bennet with his memories. It's something they've shared a hundred times before, after all, and they have their little bath time routines and rituals that they fall so easily into.

And the sooner he can be rid of these asylum whites, the better.

"Will you take a bath with me?" he asks the man who's half lover, half stranger to him.

[thegentlemanthug]

"Is that...if you want that..."

Bennet doesn't know what to say, what to do. Yet he trusts Matthew, more than he trusts himself.

"Yes," he says, finally, "I will."

[thirstforvice]

"Good," Mrs Ramsay declares for the both of them, opening up the hansom's door as they slow to a halt. Handing her keys to Bennet, she ushers them forwards, telling them both to get in and comfortable whilst she deals with the cab driver and sets to heating them a bath.

[thegentlemanthug]

The keys feel awkward in his hands, but he's more worried about helping his doctor out of the door.

"Are you all right? I can carry you, if you need."

[thirstforvice]

"'m fine," Matthew promises, sure he can make the short walk to the front door on his own two feet. It may be late, but they are still out on a public street, and he would not have undue attention drawn to them.

"Just... let me have an arm."

[thegentlemanthug]

Bennet puts one arm across Matthew for him to lean upon and places the other around his shoulder.

"It ain't far. I've got you."

[thirstforvice]

It's a slow walk, and Matthew is ashamed by just how weak the asylum has left him. Months of little food or exercise, and copious laudanum, have left him a frail shadow of the man he'd once been. By the time they reach the front door, he is trembling from head to toe, leaning the vast majority of his weight on Bennet for support.

[thegentlemanthug]

Worry spurring him on, Bennet unlocks the door and helps Matthew over the step and into the living room. He has a stool under the leg and a blanket over his lover before he's even realised that he's acting from memories he didn't realise he had.

[thirstforvice]

"'m not an old man, Ben..." Matthew laughs fondly as his lover fusses around him, obviously able to remember that part of himself if nothing else.

"Just tired and aching. Come and sit with me?"

[thegentlemanthug]

Bennet relents and sits by his side on the sofa.

After a moment's hesitation, he places his arm around his shoulder and draws his lover close.

[thirstforvice]

"I missed you," Matthew talks into Bennet's shoulder.

"I thought... everyone told me you were..." he can't say it, breatch catching in his throat.

[thegentlemanthug]

Bennet draws him into his arms, holding him gently but firmly.

"I didn't even know I had lost you," he murmurs into his lover's hair.

[thirstforvice]

Matthew almost carries on and speaks out loud about Bennet's lack of memory, but he catches himself and holds his tongue. His lover cannot help his memory loss, and he's sure he will only make him feel more pressure to remember if he tells him he hopes they come back soon. He has Bennet, who is happy to hold him, and that is already a million times better than anything he thought could be possible.

"I love you," he says instead, simple and to the point.

[thegentlemanthug]

Bennet's words catch in his throat. He is unable to say exactly what he feels, except that it is strong and all-consuming.

"I feel...I feel like I've come home," he says, finally.

[thirstforvice]

"You are home," Matthew promises, closing his eyes and breathing in deep. This man may not be all Bennet, but he sure smells like him, feels like him as they rest together. He has to hope that the rest will come back, and miracles have already happened, so why not?

"The bath is in the kitchen," Mrs Ramsay pokes her head through the door to announce, glad to see her boys cuddled up together. "I will be going to bed, then, unless you need anything further tonight?"

"No, thank you, Mrs Ramsay," Matthew answers, and for a moment it's as if the last few months never existed. This is any other night, saying goodnight to their housekeeper.

[thegentlemanthug]

Bennet watches her go, feeling the familiar weight of a hundred nights or more spent like this.

"Let me help you," he says, reaching tentatively for Matthew's first shirt button.

[thirstforvice]

The white shirt and pants, the stock uniform of the asylum's mad, are ill-fitting on Matthew's skinny frame. He would like rid of them as quickly as possible, and if Bennet's enough of himself to be offering to help undress him... well, he's not going to complain about that.

He nods, letting Bennet take control, sitting up straight to make the job easier.