RS/These streets are in your marrow

[thegentlemanthug]

After he pulls the man from the river, Ben feels uneasy in his mind, moreso than when he was first lucid after his beating. He had the opportunity to know his past, and he walked away. He is a coward as well as a friend to wretches.

He is returning from an errand in town for the dockmaster, his face apparently trustworthy despite his lack of memory, when he realises he has gone too far on the underground railway. He gets off at the wrong stop and means to return immediately to the right one, except that he knows this place. He knows it deeply and strongly, calling to him with a strong sense of who he is.

Either he can ignore it once more or he can follow it, step out from under this cowardice and learn something of who he is. And maybe he can find out the fate of that drowned man, learn something of him, know his pain and soothe it.

He lets his feet take him where they will, trying to follow his gut and not his better sense. He feels the familiarity in the streets, recognising a street sign there, a flower seller there, and his pace quickens as he draws towards somewhere he knows must be home.

The door calls to him and he runs to it, knocking hard on the wood before he can stop himself.

It opens on an older lady in an apron and, before she can speak, he tears his hat from his head and starts trying to explain himself.

"I'm sorry to disturb you, madam, but I had the strangest feeling I ought to come here today."

Comments

[thirstforvice]

"You always do, Benny," Matthew smiles despite the soap running down his face.

"'nd always will, I've no doubt."

[thegentlemanthug]

With the greatest of care, Bennet washes the soap from his lover's hair, taking care to avoid his eyes. It's soothing and his hands remember the sensations, his mind lost in the rhythm and unable to doubt the rightness of this moment.

[thirstforvice]

Matthew rests more and more of his weight against Bennet's chest as his lover continues to wash his hair, any lingering tension at the strangeness of their situation disappearing in the familiarity of wet fingers in his hair, and the exhaustion in his bones.

"We can go to Leman Street..." he muses out loud, voice slurring as he tries desperately not to fall asleep where he sits in the water. "Tomorrow, maybe. See what you remember there."

[thegentlemanthug]

The street name is familiar, but he can't quite grasp what's important about it.

"What's at Leman Street?" he asks.

[thirstforvice]

"Work," Matthew is too tired to provide extra words where they are not vitally necessary.

[thegentlemanthug]

Bennet nods to himself, fingers massaging Matthew's scalp.

"Could we stay here tomorrow?" he asks. "I want to remember our...our home."

[thirstforvice]

"Whatever you want," Matthew agrees, eyes closing as he is lulled by Bennet's fingers.

He will sleep here, in the bath. He will not drown while Bennet watches him.

[thegentlemanthug]

Bennet kisses the side of his forehead.

"I think we have a bed to sleep in," he says.

The words stir an burning excitement within him, even though he knows Matthew is an invalid. He remembers their bed, vividly, brightly.

[thirstforvice]

"Upstairs," Matthew agrees, sure that they've had this exact conversation many a time as well.

"'s a long way."

[thegentlemanthug]

Bennet works to haul his lover upright with him, holding him against his body as he reaches for the near-hanging towel.

"Easy now. I'll get you there."

[thirstforvice]

Matthew does try to take his own weight, but the combination of his poorly-healed leg and his exhaustion leave him unable to do little more than cling to Bennet as his lover towels them both down.

"I should be lookin' after you," he points out. "This is all the wrong way round."

[thegentlemanthug]

"Nothing wrong with me but a hole in my knowing of you," Bennet reasons, helping his lover out of the water, so he can dry him more thoroughly, his touch chaste.

[thirstforvice]

Matthew cannot stand, no matter how hard he tries, and he falls heavily against Bennet. He is embarrassed at his incompetence, weak after months left alone in a room, months before that where he'd not left his bed. He's ashamed at what he has become, and worried what his lover must think of him without his memories.

[thegentlemanthug]

Bennet, for his part, is certain this must be illness - his lover had been in a hospital, after all, and his leg had clearly been recently broken.

He only hopes that he can restore him to health, with the aid of their housekeeper.

[thirstforvice]

"'m not normally like this..." Matthew still has to protest as Bennet helps him to dry off.

"This isn't me."

[thegentlemanthug]

"I don't mind what you are," Bennet tells him, admiring the way the candlelight plays across Matthew's skin.

"I don't think my feelings would be any different for you."

[thirstforvice]

Matthew knows that isn't true, remembering all too well how Bennet used to hate him, back when they'd first made each other's acquaintances.

"Took you long enough to warm to me the first time," he mumbles. "Need to make a good impression this time 'round."

[thegentlemanthug]

Bennet wraps Matthew up in his towel and regards him seriously.

"What was it like? When we met?"

[thirstforvice]

"You hated me," Matthew laughs.

"Second I opened my mouth. Didn't want no American in your shop."

[thegentlemanthug]

"I hated you?"

Bennet cannot reconcile that with how he feels now, doesn't see how he could ever have hated this man.

"How did we end up here then?"

[thirstforvice]

"You saw the error of your ways," Matthew grins sleepily. "You realised even Americans can have charm and wit and irresistible skills in the bedroom."

It may not be quite the truth, but it's not such a terrible lie. Whilst Bennet has no memory, he'd prefer to give a slightly sugared history, rather than explain that he had simply pursued the other man until he'd caved in to his advances.

[thegentlemanthug]

"I can't see how I wouldn't have known that from the start," Bennet says, decidedly.

Without asking permission, he lifts Matthew up into his arms with the greatest of care and starts towards their bedroom, stark naked.

[thirstforvice]

Matthew cuddles in, arms loose around Bennet's neck, letting himself be carried without squawking. His pride is a different animal altogether when there's no one to see him but his Benny, and he'd never have managed the staircase on his own two feet at any rate.

"When your memories come back, you'll laugh at this conversation," he decides, remembering all too well how Bennet used to be towards him, the revulsion the first time he'd tried to kiss him.

[thegentlemanthug]

"When they come back," Bennet echoes, having faith in that time to come.

He had hoped they would flood back once he was back home, but they are still tantalisingly out of reach. He feels safe, loved, but he doesn't remember why that should be.

[thirstforvice]

Bennet knows the way to their bedroom without prompting, and Matthew is pleased to find that he is carried to his own side of the bed as well. Some memories run deep, it would seem.

"Did Mrs Ramsay..." he starts to ask, before noticing the bottle already laid out on the bedside table. Yes, she had brought the laudanum from the hospital. Good. "Never mind."